How I Conquered Conflict

On Thursday I attended a training session called "Conquering Coworker Conflict." Although the content seemed to be more directed at strategies for dealing with challenging users, there were some gems that would be helpful in any situation of conflict. In fact, I had an opportunity to test out some of these strategies this weekend, when I had a little argument with my sister (ok, I thought it was little, she was threatening to pack up and leave which indicates that to her, it was rather big):

• Avoid justifying your right to be upset. This makes sense to me because every time you think about your justification, you are talking yourself into continuing to be upset! It was actually by not following this one that I started the argument in the first place. My first instinct was to keep my mouth shut, then some little gremlin in my head screamed, "This isn't FAIR! I have a right to be upset!" That's when the trouble started.
• If things get in a stalemate, call on someone else to try another way of communicating. This could be a colleague or a supervisor. In my case, it was my Mom, who, by talking with my sister, was able to identify exactly what I had said that had touched a nerve, and calm my sister down so she could listen to my apology. In a situation with a library user, referring to a colleague might just give the "refresh" that's needed to solve the problem.
  
• In any situation, you have the power to make things better. You also have the power to make things worse. First I made things worse. Then I made things better.
• Put yourself in the other person's shoes. My sister had been up throughout the night with a sick toddler, then the thing I criticized her about was probably something she was already feeling kind of bad about. Once I realized this it wasn't so hard to create a way we could both save face.
  
• Create an opportunity for the other person to save face. In any kind of conflict, rather than trying to "win" by continually zinging the other person, if you create an "easy out" for the other person, the conflict can be solved. This is how I made things better.

The library is trying to bring this session back so that many more staff can attend. I'll be sure it's scheduled at a time when the majority of Access Services staff can make it.

And, my sister and I have patched things up. We've been through worse blow-ups and we'll get through this, too. It's probably not the last conflict we'll face but at least I feel I have a few new tools to conquer conflict!